Today I visited a neurologist. Because I knew the symptoms, I experienced are Covid symptoms that long haulers describe during the struggle with Covid-19 and afterward. I made a list of all the symptoms I experienced the last year and the symptoms I’m still struggling with.

Because of my fatigue, brain fog, and lack of concentration, I was happy I made this blog. During the past year, I made notes and photos that allowed me to remember and write my story. Even with all this information, writing everything down cost me 3 days because I have wordfinding problems. It became “a fill-in blanks text” that became a detailed and short version of my story I could tell the neurologist.

She ran some physical tests and told me she didn’t know a lot about Covid-19. But as I prescribed it, she confirmed that many people are suffering from ups and downs in their recovery. I will have an MRI scan of my brain soon. I hope my brain is okay, and they will not find any severe damage. By the end of February 2021, I will know.

In The Netherlands, the aftercare and recovery options for Covid-19 sufferers are growing. That will be my next option if there is no brain damage. It can be a positive thing to contact people who have the same struggle and with people who get more specialized by the day in handling recovery. And even then, full recovery will be uncertain as well…

I find it difficult to accept and not to know what my future will be. I’m only 44 years old and still have a life ahead of me. Thankfully I have a strong daughter who tells me to go to bed during the day. She sees and knows when I need it and accepts it. That’s more difficult for me because she’s only ten years old and I want to be there for her. With the energy and abilities, I had before. Not knowing if this is coming back scares me. I feel trapped in my own body.

Now I can only be thankful for all the nice trips I made with my daughter the previous years, all the nice things we did together, all the things I taught her, all the fun we had. All the times I saw her smile and giggle. I always tried to live life as if any day could be my last by living life to the fullest and not postponing opportunities.

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DAPHNE IN STOCKINGS is a writer with a blog telling her story about surviving blood clots, living with FVL, blood thinners, and stockings. And coping with Covid-19 twice in 2020. She's telling her story about building resilience in a physical and mental struggle to heal.